The Mighty Incognomen

Pure Unadulterated Lust

2009-09-18T15:50:00.000-07:00

There is no other word for it. Not desire, not covetousness. The only word for what I feel for the Vibram FiveFingers shoe-glove is lust.

Look at them! How can you not want them?

They announce to the world "I am an important man with important appendages." This is something the world needs to know.

The protruding parts of my anatomy are so important that each toe requires its own private space. A place where they can remain undisturbed while researching cures for cancer, designing a portfolio that outperforms the market while being adequately hedged against risk, conducting delicate diplomatic negotiations, creating new forms of art that will cause you to rethink the human condition and all the other things my toes do on a daily basis.

And those are just the little toes, I'm not at liberty to disclose what my big toes are doing.

I wear a size 44, in case you're wondering what to get me for Christmas.

Also, I would like a miniature executive desk in black walnut with matching bookcases for my nose. Affixing it to my upper lip will be difficult but not, I think, insoluble.

Calvinist Hip Hop Thursday

2009-09-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

Why Calvinist Hip Hop? Because lots of words rhyme with election.

This weeks pick is Lecrae's "Don't Waste Your Life"

Looks like someone has been reading John Piper.

Psalm 32: Blessed Are the Forgiven

2009-09-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

A Maskil of David.

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
     whose sin is covered.
2Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity,
     and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

3For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
     through my groaning all day long.
4For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
     my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.

Selah

5I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,"
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.

Selah

6Therefore let everyone who is godly
     offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found;
surely in the rush of great waters,
     they shall not reach him.
7You are a hiding place for me;
     you preserve me from trouble;
     you surround me with shouts of deliverance.

Selah

8I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
     I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
9 Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,
     which must be curbed with bit and bridle,
     or it will not stay near you.

10 Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
     but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.
11 Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, O righteous,
     and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!

I was going to write some commentary on this, but some guy named Paul already did:

Romans 4
1What then shall we say was gained by Abraham, our forefather according to the flesh? 2For if Abraham was justified by works, he has something to boast about, but not before God. 3For what does the Scripture say? "Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness." 4Now to the one who works, his wages are not counted as a gift but as his due. 5And to the one who does not work but believes in him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is counted as righteousness, 6just as David also speaks of the blessing of the one to whom God counts righteousness apart from works:

7 "Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven,
     and whose sins are covered;
8blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin."

Which College Major is the Most Foolish

2009-09-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

We all know which majors attract the smartest students. Those selecting the hard sciences are pretty clever while Elementary Ed majors are as dumb as a sack of hammers. The question that excites me is somewhat different.

Given the abilities of the students selecting the major and the expected payoff for earning that degree, which students are making the wisest decisions? The most foolish?

I understand that there are non-monetary considerations--theology students wanting to be closer to God and El Ed majors wanting to be closer to their intellectual equals--but given the wealth of resources available at your local library, college is not worth bothering with unless a degree will get you cash money.

To answer this question, I used two sources of data: Steve Sailers estimation of IQ by GRE score and PayScale.com's list of median salaries by major. The IQ estimations ranged from 103 to 133 and the median salaries from $41,600 to $109,000. I simply subtracted the lowest score from both sets of numbers to give me a rouch estimation of dollars per IQ point. I compare this to an expected value of $2,246.67 per IQ point. This method works well because Social Work majors are both the dumbest and the lowest paid.

If you have a better methodology (and you probably do), don't tell me about it. Just run the numbers and post the results. I'll link you from here.

Unsuprisingly, Accountants are the wisest and Fine Arts the most foolish. Philosophy majors came off suprisingly well here.

Here's the raw numbers for you:

Major	Verbal	Quant	Sum	IQ	Median Salary	IQ Predicted Salary	Difference
Accounting	408	585	993	110	$77,600	57326.66667	$20,273
Business admin & mgmt. (Business Administration)	438	561	999	111	$73,000	59573.33333	$13,427
Health & medical sciences (Health Sciences)	447	552	999	111	$69,600	59573.33333	$10,027
Chemical Engineering	485	726	1211	128	$107,000	97766.66667	$9,233
Communications	470	533	1003	111	$68,400	59573.33333	$8,827
Electrical Eng	459	726	1185	126	$102,000	93273.33333	$8,727
Computer & Infor Sci (Computer Science)	466	701	1167	124	$97,400	88780	$8,620
Industrial Engineering	440	707	1147	123	$95,000	86533.33333	$8,467
Business admin & mgmt. (Business Administration)	442	592	1034	114	$73,000	66313.33333	$6,687
Public Administration (Health Care Administration)	453	515	968	109	$61,000	55080	$5,920
Mechanical Engineering	469	724	1193	126	$98,300	93273.33333	$5,027
Civil Engineering	457	700	1157	124	$93,000	88780	$4,220
Economics	503	706	1209	128	$101,000	97766.66667	$3,233
Architecture	475	610	1085	118	$78,300	75300	$3,000
Earth, Atmos & Mar. Sci (Geology)	495	636	1131	121	$84,200	82040	$2,160
Engineering (Environmental Engineering)	468	719	1187	126	$94,500	93273.33333	$1,227
Other business (Hotel Business Management)	444	599	1043	114	$66,400	66313.33333	$87
Social Work	428	466	894	103	$41,600	41600	$0
Banking & finance	467	711	1178	125	$89,400	91026.66667	($1,627)
Materials Engineering	494	727	1221	129	$98,300	100013.3333	($1,713)
Agriculture	458	592	1050	115	$66,700	68560	($1,860)
Life Sciences (Forestry)	462	581	1043	114	$64,200	66313.33333	($2,113)
Political Science	524	588	1112	120	$77,300	79793.33333	($2,493)
Psychology	472	545	1017	113	$61,000	64066.66667	($3,067)
Education	449	534	983	110	$54,100	57326.66667	($3,227)
Chemistry	486	680	1166	124	$82,300	88780	($6,480)
History	542	557	1099	119	$70,000	77546.66667	($7,547)
Sociology	488	545	1033	114	$57,900	66313.33333	($8,413)
Mathematical Sciences (Mathematics)	502	733	1235	130	$93,600	102260	($8,660)
Arts-Performance & studio (Drama)	488	553	1041	114	$56,600	66313.33333	($9,713)
Physics & astronomy (Physics)	533	736	1269	133	98800	109000	($10,200)
Biological Sciences (Biology)	491	631	1122	121	$71,800	82040	($10,240)
Elementary	442	526	968	108	$42,400	52833.33333	($10,433)
English language & lit (English)	560	553	1113	120	$66,900	79793.33333	($12,893)
Anthropology & Archeology (Anthropology)	533	569	1102	119	$63,200	77546.66667	($14,347)
Arts-History, theory, crit	539	572	1111	120	$62,400	79793.33333	($17,393)
Philosophy	590	638	1228	129	$76,700	100013.3333	($23,313)
Religion & Theory (Religious Studies	541	589	1130	121	$57,500	82040	($24,540)
Foreign languages & lit (Spanish)	531	574	1105	119	$52,600	77546.66667	($24,947)
Other Humanities & Art (Fine Arts)	563	599	1162	124	$56,300	88780	($32,480)

Calvinist Hip Hop Thursday

2009-09-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

I was predestined to like Calvinist Hip Hop.

This week it's my new favorite song, Trip Lee's "Cling to You" featuring Shai Linne.

Verse 1 - Trip Lee:
Lord, I'd like to start by saying I can hate where I'm at
When this life is hard and situations take me aback
The fight is hard and I can hardly face it in fact
In life it's hard to get up like a bar with weights that's attached
It really seems the situations that I'm facing is wack
I been awakened but now I'm feeling forsaken and trapped
With no hope and I'm broken open for Satan to trap
I been bothered since You Father put this weight on my back
So please erase it's wack, cause when this pain it attacks
My weakness is at it's peak and I'm feeling strained and I lack
The trust in You I struggle through the ways that I should come to You
Lord, what am I gonna do? It's true this pain it distracts
But I see my only hope when my backs on the ropes
Is in You so I read through the facts that You wrote
The pain may fade away, but if that's my only hope
Then You don't get the glory alone not even close

Hook:
Lord, it may get better but it may not
So when I pray God, I pray I
Would trust You whether or not the pain stops
So when the the pain falls, coming down like rain drops
I just gotta cling to You

Verse 2 - shai linne:
Heavenly Father, in Your Word You say we can build
Because of Jesus and the blood that He graciously spilled
Lord, I thank You for real, cause my Dad's always there
I can cast all my cares plus the weight that I feel
My situation is ill, I ain't asking to be making a mill
But is all my money for paying my bills?
It gets crazier still, my soul's on dangerous hills
A target for the world, flesh, and Satan aiming to kill
While the wicked who be hating your will
Sit by the lake as they chill, taking in sensational thrills
Lord, Your Son I admire, He's the one I desire
I'll run through the fire if You say it's Your will
But at times it's hard to hear You, the world doesn't fear You
Lord, give me a clear view Your face is concealed
Help me to be patient until Your grace is revealed
And in the mean time, between time, be praising You still

Hook

Verse 3 - Trip Lee:
Lord, You know I'm hoping that my situation will switch
That You'll show me You're amazing by erasing it quick
But I've noticed that my hope was in You changing it quick
Instead of knowing You're enough Lord I was chasing Your gifts
But then I opened up Your text and looked at David and them
Their situations was grim, but it ain't change them within
They prayed You'd take it away but sought Your face in the end
And found comfort in Your justice and the grace You extend
So in this life full of strife if my days get grayer
I'm content with the fact that You'll stay my Savior
No change in my King, man, it ain't no greater
Comfort than what's found in You that's so major
So in this life full of strife if my days get grayer
I'm content with the fact that You'll stay my Savior
No change in my King, man, it ain't no greater
Comfort than what's found in You that's so major
So in this life full of strife if my days get grayer
I'm content with the fact that You'll stay my Savior
No change in my King, man, it ain't no greater
Comfort than what's found in You that's so major

On Conservatives

2009-09-10T12:19:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time I considered myself a conservative. I no longer do, mainly because I don’t know what the word means any more. I thought that a conservative was someone who stood for self-reliance, limited government, fiscal responsibility, foreign policy realism and had a deep and unwavering suspicion that people who claimed to be able to fix the problems that have bedeviled man for millennia were either charlatans, fools or both.

My eyes have been opened. While Bush the Lesser was president, conservatives supported none of these things. Now that the Republicans are out of power, they’re claiming them as core principles again. Lew Rockwell famously argued that the only thing conservatives stand for is “lying from noon into night.” I think it’s a fine piece of political rhetoric, but I don’t agree. I don’t think conservatives are lying. That would require them to have principles worth lying about. They don’t because a conservative is simply someone who hates liberals.

Close your eyes and imagine the dream world of the liberals. It’s a marvelous place. Married homosexuals in Toyota Prii (I insist that’s this is the correct plural of Prius) carpool with endangered species. The various peoples of the earth hold hands and sings songs about love and sharing and all wars consist of pillow fights. In the evening the sick and infirm are wheeled outside to bask in the free healthcare that drops from the sky and no one ever has to die. I call it Liberaltopia and I often visit there in my dreams.

Conservotopia is another matter. It is a bitter land where the air is laden with the scent of sulphur and the screams of the damned. Here is where the feminists, environmentalists and hipsters are slowly tortured for eternity. They confess their errors and beg for forgiveness, but none is to be had. There are no demons in this land—all the torture is conducted by faithful conservatives. This is virtue’s reward. When evening comes, they leave their work and gather at the one oasis of serenity and beauty in this desperate land. It is a hilltop palace with peaceful gardens and tasteful sculpture. Here they may rest from their labors and gather at the center to worship the only begotten Son of God: Ronald Reagan.

I am not cool with this.

Men and Women are Different

2009-09-08T17:45:00.000-07:00

Part One in a Series:

When a woman is attracted to a man, she laughs at his jokes. When a man is attracted to a woman, he laughs at his own jokes.

The truth of this can be confirmed through simple observation. I mention it because you should never, ever laugh at your own jokes. Ever.

If everyone else laughs, it's acceptable to get caught up in the moment, but if no one laughs, you will be the only one laughing. This means that you will be laughing at an inappropriate time.

There are only 4 types of people who laugh at inappropriate times:

Small children
Pot smokers
The mentally ill
The mentally retarded

You don't want to appear to belong to any of these groups. In the entrire history of the world no woman has ever told her friend "I met this really great guy: he's 6 years old, reeks of bong resin, thinks the CIA has put a hidden camera in his toilet and has to wear a helmet indoors. I think he could be the one!"

This has been a public service message from The Mighty Incognomen.

She was Young and Foolish and Now is Full of Tears

2009-09-07T23:16:00.000-07:00

My mother, who is pushing 70 has started a blog. I guess it's official, everyone has a blog now.

Her maiden post explores the phenomenon of late life divorce among everyone's favorite legalist heretics, the Mormons. It's an interesting read because my mother predates the baby boom, feminism and (I believe) the invention of fire and this gives her a unique perspective.

My own circle of acquaintances does not include many of the aged and infirm, so experience has led me to conclude that people get divorced because they are selfish egotists. Apparently older people get divorced for other reasons. Who knew?

I Went to a Sci-Fi Convention Once

2009-08-28T12:08:00.001-07:00

I wasn't always an old, boring married man. I used to be a young, boring single man. Here's some nostalgia for you:

My roommate plays in a "Vampire: The Masquerade" LARP. For those lucky few of you unfamiliar with the concept, this is where a bunch of pasty, overweight geeks pretend to be pale creatures that never have sex and feel a constant urge to feed. I'm not sure where the pretending comes in, but that's not important. What's important is thanks to my roommate and his host of pseudo vampires I attended my first Sci-Fi convention last weekend.

Also my last Sci-Fi convention.

Of course, in order to attend and observe the geeks, it was necessary to blend in with them. I had to dress the part. My first choice was black trousers, black shoes and white socks. It certainly made me look like I belonged at a Sci-Fi convention. Unfortunately, I was unwilling to be seen in public like that.

So I went with plan B and dressed as a Romulan. Not only did I look like I belonged, but I could also walk around grabbing my crotch and asking "who wants a ride on my warbird?" In retrospect this should have been plan A.
I arrived at the convention in full Romulan regalia, and immediately felt a new sensation that I'd never experienced before. I felt slender. Slender, well sexed and well adjusted. My friend Ryu, who I invited for moral support, was less exhilarated. As 6 butter-beasts in Anime t-shirts walked by, he remarked "You know, if we'd won WWII, we'd have had their kind exterminated."

At this point, two guys in imperial storm trooper outfits walked by. They had little rainbow stickers on the back of their uniforms. Just what I needed to see, gay storm troopers. Now, every time I watch Star Wars all I can think about is hot clone on clone action. I used to like Star Wars, now I love it.

I would have turned around and left if it hadn't been for the Klingons. I like Klingons. Whether they were strutting about like they owned the place, scarfing down Cheetos in the hospitality suite or just relaxing with a bit of karaoke, the Klingons never got old.

The fat women in bondage gear got old fast though. In fact, some of them had gotten old during the Coolidge administration. I had no idea they made rubber dresses in a size 36, but I know they shouldn't. Wow. After a half hour of these blubbery belles, I began questioning my own sexuality. Not that I found the men more attractive, it was more the "giving up on the human race entirely" sort of sexuality questioning. I was looking around for a nice brook trout to slam my meaty shaft into.

I didn't find one, but I did manage to locate the bar. That helped. After 2 beers, 3 long islands and a shot of Don Julio, the weirdoes didn't seem so weird. It was time to start messing with people.

Every time the gay storm troopers walked past, I would wave my hand and say "these aren't the hard throbbing cocks you're looking for." The one on the left told me to move along, so I pointed at his crotch and said "aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?" He hit me.

So I went off in search of easier prey and that's when I saw them, the only 4 attractive women in the entire hotel, standing together in the lobby. What followed will no doubt go down in history as the infamous "warbird decloaking incident of 2004." Needless to say the shields went up and it was red alert time. Fortunately nobody recognized me after I ditched the wig, costume and makeup, so I didn't get arrested.

After that, Ryu and I decided to hit the room parties and find a good time.
Room party number one: a man with no front teeth was boasting about his ability to channel "psychic energy." I asked him if he could channel a dental plan. Then I was asked to leave.

Room party number two: a 350 pound woman in a halter top was boasting about her high pain threshold. Eleven well chosen words later, she left the room in tears. The Mighty Incognomen would like to take this opportunity to remind you that not all pain is physical.

Room party number three: we didn't make it. On our way there, we pass a 250 pound middle aged woman dressed as Sailor Moon. Ryu began weeping and denying the existence of God.

He'd matched me shot for shot despite weighing half as much and could not be consoled. I began shaking him and screaming "Snap out of it man! You can handle this, you're Japanese! Your ancestors gave us the Bataan Death March and the Rape of Nanking, don't dishonor their memories!"
It didn't help, so I left him to go to the dance.

Everyone, at least once in their life, should watch Sci-Fi fans attempt to dance. It's hard to describe, but here goes: Imagine if they held a wheelchair race in Pamplona during the running of the bulls. It would be horrible, bloody and cruel, yet funny as hell. The dance was kind of the same way.

There were 3 types of dancers: too large to move well, too spastic to move well and the pink blob.

The pink blob was topless, wearing a pink tutu and holding two giant feathered fans. It shook and wobbled and waved the fans about in a manner that could not, under any conceivable definition of the term, be described as dancing. In fact, the pink blob moved faster when the music stopped.
The pink blob was about 5 feet tall, 3 feet wide and shaped like, like, well really, like a turd. Pointed at each end, lumpy in the middle and with little visible chunks of corn. Well they were pustules in the pink blob's case, but the effect was similar. I'm not sure if the pink blob was a he or a she, or even what phylum the creature belonged to.

I was looking for an impromptu weapon with which to harpoon this monstrosity when I got busted. Yes, I had failed to pay the $40 convention registration fee and snuck into the dance without a pass. I was thrown out before I could put an end to the pink blob and its reign of terror.

Not sure what happened to Ryu. I think he's still in a hallway at the hotel, curled up in the fetal position crying.

Calvinist Hip Hop Thursday

2009-08-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

I love Calvinist Hip Hop. It's the only genre of music that can also be used to fight evil robots. If you ever find yourself escaping from a futuristic dystopia while being purused by a malfuctioning catering robot, you can just pull out your iPod and

PROCESSING phat beats and mad rhymes about reformed theology... PROCESSING... PROCESSING... ERROR ERROR ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE!*boom*

The Husband Quiz

2009-08-26T04:27:00.000-07:00

I created a simple, 10 question quiz to evaluate how good of a husband you are.

http://www.quizilla.com/quizzes/13720016/the-husband-test

The scoring is explained below, but you probably want to take the quiz first.

Your wife has been gaining weight and asks you "Does this dress make me look fat?" How do you respond?

"I love you just the way you are."

Ignore her.

"It's not the clothes that make you look fat, it's the second helpings."

honest

"You look gorgeous, give me a kiss."

"A little bit, yeah."

Your wife has been keeping herself in shape and asks "Does this dress make me look fat?" How do you respond?

"Like Jabba the Hut in a peasant skirt."

The beautiful thing about this answer is that it's so completely over the top. If she gets mad, point out that she asked a loaded question, that she knows perfectly well she looks great and that she can't take a joke. All of these will be true. 5 points for not being risk averse.

Roll your eyes and point out that you weren't born yesterday.

"Clothes don't make people look fat. That's what gluttony and sloth are for."

"You look gorgeous, give me a kiss."

Hug her and tell her that she's beautiful.

When women say "I want a man who isn't afraid to talk about his feelings," what do they really mean?

They want a man who talks about his feelings.

They want a man who listens to them talk about their feelings.

They want an unemployed musician with multiple tatoos who sings about his feelings for other women.

It's ok to cry on her shoulder when the weight of the world is too much to bear.

They want a man who isn't afraid to talk about his feelings, but would never do so in a million years.

Your wife tells you that she wants one of those horrible miniature dogs. What do you do?

Change the subject.

Agree to buy her one and then keep putting it off in the hope that she'll forget.

Refuse firmly and categorically.

She comes home from work to find a toy poodle with a bow on its head sitting on a handmade card saying how much you love her.

"If you get one, I'll turn it into Korean food."

Your wife tells you that you have to take the garbage out before she has sex with you. How do you respond?

Punch her in the face.

Tell her you would take the garbage out, but you're not in the mood.

Go to the bar. Don't come back until closing time or you stop being angry, whichever comes last.

"Ok honey."

By emulating Clark Gable in "Gone With the Wind."

Your wife is talking about something and you're not paying attention. Suddenly you hear her angry voice demanding to know "Are you listening to me?" What now, sport?

"Of course not, you talk too much."

Rack your brain for the last thing she was talking about and say "Sure I was, you were talking about X."

"Of course I was listening."

"No. Were you saying something important?"

"No, I was busy picturing you naked."

Do you have a dangerous job (policeman, bouncer, drug dealer) or hobby (boxing, skydiving, hard drug use)?

No, but I did before I got married.

Does taking kung fu lessons count?

Yes.

I have both.

Your wife gets mad at you when, as far as you can tell, you've done nothing wrong. How do you respond?

I tell her to calm down.

I give her a non-apology apology like "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I apologize right away. I'm going to anyway, so I might as well get it over with.

I invite her to sit down and talk about it.

I make fun of her.

Your wife gets an exciting job opportunity, but taking it involves moving across the country. How do you respond?
- My wife doesn't work or doesn't work in a job where that would be an issue.
- We move. I don't want to stand in the way of my wife's happiness.
- We sit down and discuss the pros and cons before reaching a mutually satisfying decision.
- We probably move, we need the extra money.
- We don't move.
Finish this sentence. If you are nervous about a situation at work, talking about it with your wife ________________.

Makes you feel better.

Creates a sense of openness in the marriage that will strengthen it in the long run.

Wastes valuable time that could be spent thinking of ways to fix the problem.

Makes her nervous too.

Is a really strange thing to do.

"Pride and Prejudice" and Pick Up Artists

2009-08-25T00:38:00.000-07:00

"Pride and Prejudice," the favorite book of marriage minded women in the English speaking world is a great many things, the greatest of which is a perfect illustration of a truth universally acknowledged—that there is an enormous gap between what women say they want in a man and the men they want.

If you were to ask any woman of your acquaintance to describe her ideal man, she would probably produce a list similar to the following: kind, open, a good listener, mature, professional, dedicated to self-improvement and capable of paying a decent compliment. If you were to counter that what she really wanted was a cold, arrogant, emotionally distant and occasionally cruel man, she would dispute your claim most furiously. If, on the other hand, you were to ask her opinion of the book’s Mr. Collins and Mr. Darcy, she would shudder with disgust at the first and confess eternal love for the character of the second.

How can this be? Mr. Collins is kind—he wishes to protect the interests of his female cousins. He is open—he discusses every aspect of his life in tireless detail, right down to the hour of his bedtime. He is responsible and dedicated to his profession and the interests of his employer. He not only vigorously seeks his own improvement, but constantly exhorts everyone around him to better themselves. He even spends several hours a week reassuring an old woman of her worth through flattery and kind words. In short, Mr. Collins is everything women (or at least modern American women) claims to desire in a man.

Without exception, women consider Mr. Collins the creepiest, most repellent loser in the history of English literature.

Then we have Mr. Darcy. He is, without question, an asshole. Consider this passage from chapter three where Mr. Darcy first sees the novel’s heroine:

"Oh! She is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you."
"Which do you mean?" and turning round he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and coldly said: "She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me."

Mr. Bingley followed his advice. Mr. Darcy walked off; and Elizabeth remained with no very cordial feelings toward him. She told the story, however, with great spirit among her friends; for she had a lively, playful disposition, which delighted in anything ridiculous.

If your reading comprehension is lacking, what just happened is that Mr. Darcy was not content with merely negging a target, as the pick up artists do. Instead he landed an insult that could only be more crushing if he followed it up by throwing her to the floor and delivering the people’s elbow to her solar plexus. The result is that the lively, intelligent and charming Miss Elizabeth Bennet can neither speak nor think of any other man for days afterwards.

"His pride," said Miss Lucas, "does not offend me so much as pride often does, because there is an excuse for it. One cannot wonder that so very fine a young man, with family, fortune, everything in his favour, should think highly of himself. If I may so express it, he has a right to be proud."

"That is very true," replied Elizabeth, "and I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine."

This is beautiful. Mr. Darcy’s savage rudeness is excused by all the women as a DHV, and the particular target is now exerting an exclusive claim on him. Note that she emphasizes the word mine. The only thing missing is speculation that he could run a three legged race all by himself. Presumably the copy editor removed that bit.

As the novel progresses, Mr. Darcy’s character is established as more and more alpha. Consider this passage, where Elizabeth has rejected his first proposal and angrily denounced him.

"Can you deny that you have done it?" she repeated.
With assumed tranquillity he then replied: "I have no wish of denying that I did everything in my power to separate my friend from your sister, or that I rejoice in my success. Towards him I have been kinder than towards myself."
Elizabeth disdained the appearance of noticing this civil reflection, but its meaning did not escape, nor was it likely to conciliate her.
"But it is not merely this affair," she continued, "on which my dislike is founded. Long before it had taken place my opinion of you was decided. Your character was unfolded in the recital which I received many months ago from Mr. Wickham. On this subject, what can you have to say? In what imaginary act of friendship can you here defend yourself? or under what misrepresentation can you here impose upon others?"
"You take an eager interest in that gentleman's concerns," said Darcy, in a less tranquil tone, and with a heightened colour.
"Who that knows what his misfortunes have been, can help feeling an interest in him?"
"His misfortunes!" repeated Darcy contemptuously; "yes, his misfortunes have been great indeed."
"And of your infliction," cried Elizabeth with energy. "You have reduced him to his present state of poverty—comparative poverty. You have withheld the advantages which you must know to have been designed for him. You have deprived the best years of his life of that independence which was no less his due than his desert. You have done all this! and yet you can treat the mention of his misfortune with contempt and ridicule."
"And this," cried Darcy, as he walked with quick steps across
the room, "is your opinion of me! This is the estimation in which you hold me! I thank you for explaining it so fully. My faults, according to this calculation, are heavy indeed! But perhaps," added he, stopping in his walk, and turning towards her, "these offenses might have been overlooked, had not your pride been hurt by my honest confession of the scruples that had long prevented my forming any serious design. These bitter accusations might have been suppressed, had I, with greater policy, concealed my struggles, and flattered you into the belief of my being impelled by unqualified, unalloyed inclination; by reason, by reflection, by everything. But disguise of every sort is my abhorrence. Nor am I ashamed of the feelings I related. They were natural and just. Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections?—to congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?"

This is the true heart of what pick up artists call alpha behavior. He makes no attempt to persuade, defend himself, grovel or apologize. That’s what betas do. The only weakness Mr. Darcy admits to is his interest in a woman as far below his social status as she is.

The rest of the book details how the increasingly obsessed Elizabeth Bennet goes about persuading herself to eventually yield to Mr. Darcy. She even goes to far as to visit his home when she thinks he is away and collect information about him. The novel ends with an improbable white knighting by Mr. Darcy (it is female wish fulfillment lit after all), which conquers all of the heroine’s objections and reduces her to a quivering mass of gratitude, but even after all of this Mr. Darcy is unwilling to drop his masterful reserve and the book ends with him offering her no higher compliment than praising “the liveliness of your mind” and refusing to apologize for being the strong silent type.

As for Mr. Collins, the book ends with him being made the butt of yet another joke.

The point of all of this is very simple. The continuing popularity of Pride and Prejudice is further proof (not that further proof is needed) that when a woman says say that the techniques of pick up artists are ridiculous or that she would never fall for any of them, the woman is lying.

Mr. Darcy would probably pimp slap her. She'd like it.

The Old Man and the Shit Test

2009-08-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

I've been reading Roissy recently and it's been quite enjoyable.

One thing that puzzles me though, is why it's the single-by-choice PUA crowd who systematically analyzed the "shit test" and how to respond to it when it's us married guys who face the most diabolical shit tests and and we do it without the luxury of being able to turn around and walk out the door. I think it's because men who don't already know how to deal with the shit test either can't get someone to marry them or they can't manage to stay married long enough to work out a system.

If you're unfamiliar with the term, a "shit test" is when a woman give you shit to see how you'll respond. The best known example is the sitcom trope "Does this dress make me look fat?" She isn't asking because she values your opinion or because she wants to be reassured about her attractiveness; she's asking to see if you'll answer like a man or not. (On a side note, my wife actually asked me this during the first year of our marriage. I responded by rolling my eyes and telling her I wasn't born yesterday. Make of that what you will.)

With that out of the way, I'd like to relate the story of one of the the nastiest shit tests I've ever heard of and how the hero triumphed by dint of simple manliness (what the PUA crowd calls alpha behavior, our generation having forgotten the correct term).

Ann was a school teacher and George worked as a forklift mechanic until he retired at 65 (still strong enough to beat some manners into a 30 year old welder on his last day). His retirement messed up their marriage no end. George had no idea what to do with himself all day and was starved for conversation when Ann came home full of resentment that she still had 10 years of trying to force literacy into the heads of unwilling teenagers before she could join him in doing nothing. Tensions built, arguements ensued and then Ann devised a truly vicious little shit test. Although her husband had traditionally handled all the home maintenance and remodeling (competently, although the demands of his job prevented him from doing the work as thoroughly as he would have liked), Ann announced that she she wanted the kitchen remodeled and, because she wanted the work done right for once, she was going to hire someone and oversee the work herself.

As she intended, George took this as a direct attack on himself and his worth as a man and he responded as a man should. He asked what she had budgeted, agreed that they could afford it, wished her luck and wandered off to the local salvage yard. Although the results were not what she had expected, Ann proceded to canvas the other teachers at school for recommendations and recieve a glowing recommendation a man we will call Chuck (his real name having been forgotten).

Soon Chuck arrived to begin the work. Chuck was very young and very handsome, which caused Ann to realize with concern that the recommendation she had accepted came from a young, single teacher who lived in an apartment. Her concerns were justified as it turned out that Chuck was dumber than a sack of hammers and, while he may have been skilled with a tool, it wasn't one you could buy at Sears.

While Chuck remembered to turn the water off before rerouting the pipes for the kitchen sink, he didn't realized that the pipes would still contain water until after beginning his first cut, which resulted in a shower of wet plaster barely missing the computer in Ann's downstairs office.

This upset Ann a great deal, but she still had hopes of showing George up. These hopes were dashed the next day when she smelled smoke. Chuck, it seems, was unaware of how to operate a brazing torch and had set his to produce the largest possible flame before setting the house on fire. One empty fire extinguisher later, Ann found herself in the garage apologizing to George and asking him to please keep an eye on the brainless wonder she had hired before they both found themselves homeless.

George expected this. In fact he had planned for it, although setting he house on fire was a more dramatic touch he had hoped for. George's first response had been to ask for her budget to see if it was adequate for hiring a competent contractor. Once he knew that it wasn't, failure was virtually ensured, so his next step was to visit the local salvage yard and launch the post retirement hobby he had been putting off: buying totaled, but repariable cars for a few dollars, repairing them and selling them for a few hundred. This meant that when Ann went to look for him he was hard at work, forcing her to apologize for interrupting instead of getting angry that he was sitting around while the house got destroyed. It also meant that his garage became a gathering place for the other retired gearheads in which their neighborhood was particularly rich, removing his dependency on his wife's conversation.

The story ended happily. Chuck recieved much much valuable instruction from George (which he was happy to recieve, although it's questionable how much he understood), Ann got a new kitchen and George regained the respect of his wife. George and Ann subsequently moved and, although he is now pushing 80, he has remodeled their new house and is currently redoing the landscaping.

They will soon be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and are, incidentally, my parents.

The Day The Earth Stood Still

2008-12-12T21:56:00.000-08:00

Went to see the remake of "The Day The Earth Stood Still." I'd like to say that it's nothing but two hours of pan-galactic pantheist preaching, but it's not. I just have a weakness for alliteration.

What it is, is the entire "Matrix" trilogy rolled into one film. The first third is interesting, action packed and possibly even thought provoking, if you're the sort of person who doesn't think much. The second third is boring and features unbearable amounts of dialogue that attempts to outline the philosophical underpinnings of the film for the terminally dense. The final third is incoherent and barely watchable except for a pretty cool swarm of killer machines.

The main difference is that the underlying philosophy of "The Day the Earth Stood Still" is warmed over new age pantheism that demands a firm foundation of ignorance in order to be taken seriously. The sort of babble that talks endlessly about "evolution" without any understanding of what the word actually means. I'd rather listen to two hours of Richard Dawkins being smug any day of the week. He may be going to hell, but at least he's bringing a coherent and intellectually defensible view of the natural world with him.

*** SPOILER ALERT ***
The film ends with the destruction of every electronic and electrical device on the planet. The plucky heroes escape total destruction at the hands of the aliens in favor of a massive famine that will kill 99% of them as fertilizer, refrigeration, and the rapid transport of food becomes a distant memory. The film presents this as a good thing as it will open the door for further evolution, presumably via that most Darwinian of selection pressure: contingency cannibalism. Maybe they understand evolution after all.

Who Would Jesus Vote For?

2008-09-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

I'm hearing from a lot of people, many of whom are not Christians, that it is my sacred duty as a Christian to vote for John McCain or Barack Obama or even Chuck Baldwin and Bob Barr. Instead of listening to them, let's look at what the Bible has to say on the matter.

But the thing displeased Samuel when they said, "Give us a king to judge us." And Samuel prayed to the LORD. And the LORD said to Samuel, "Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them. According to all the deeds that they have done, from the day I brought them up out of Egypt even to this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are also doing to you. Now then, obey their voice; only you shall solemnly warn them and show them the ways of the king who shall reign over them."

So Samuel told all the words of the LORD to the people who were asking for a king from him. He said, "These will be the ways of the king who will reign over you: he will take your sons and appoint them to his chariots and to be his horsemen and to run before his chariots. And he will appoint for himself commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and some to plow his ground and to reap his harvest, and to make his implements of war and the equipment of his chariots. He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers. He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive orchards and give them to his servants. He will take the tenth of your grain and of your vineyards and give it to his officers and to his servants. He will take your male servants and female servants and the best of your young men and your donkeys, and put them to his work. He will take the tenth of your flocks, and you shall be his slaves. And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the LORD will not answer you in that day."
--1st Samuel 8:6-18

God does not believe in democracy. He is the sovereign Lord of creation and the only vote that matters belongs to Him. Although He permitted the Israelites to choose their king, He condemned their desire to make that choice. So it is with us as Americans: God permits us to choose our leaders and I believe that He condemns us for the trust we put in them. We believe that voting for one sinner over another will affect whether our nation prospers or suffers, but prosperity is a gift of God's grace that He can bestow or revoke according to His perfect judgement. We believe that voting for one sinner over another will keep our nation safe, but God has repeatedly shown in scripture that it is He who controls the fates of nations and the outcomes of battles. We believe that voting for one sinner over another will make our country more righteous, but the righteous are those who live by faith, not those who put their trust in man:

'Can mortal man be in the right before God?
Can a man be pure before his Maker?
Even in his servants he puts no trust,
and his angels he charges with error;
how much more those who dwell in houses of clay,
whose foundation is in the dust,
who are crushed like the moth.
--Job 4:17-19

Moreover, it is God who raises up leaders and brings them low, even bad leaders. As God said to the Pharoah in Exodus 9:16: But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.

In short, this election doesn't really matter that much. God will still be sovereign and His will be done. Am I saying we should not vote? No, I am saying that we should choose who we vote for humbly, prayerfully, asking God for wisdom and acknowledging that our true leader is not a Senator from Arizona or Illinois, He is Jesus of Nazareth, King of Kings and Lord of Hosts. And as your brother in Christ, let me add that I don't care what the atheists and agnostics at National Review say. Whether you vote for McCain or Obama or a third party candidate or even if you write in NONE OF THE ABOVE in all caps, I will pray that God blesses you and continues to sanctify you.

[UPDATE] As either Barack Obama or John McCain will likely be the next president of the United States, we should pray for them: that God would protect them from the temptations their position brings, that He would help them to be humble and that He would guide them to grow in the faith that they both profess. Also, the mean spirited insult comedy that marked previous posts is something God has convicted me of. I'm going to give loving, sober-minded insult comedy a try from now on.

The Obligatory Palin Pregnancy Post

2008-09-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to touch this subject, but the wankosphere is going nuts over Bristol's baby. Much of it is quite simply insane. So I'm going to depart from my usual mean spirited snark and inject a little sanity into the debate.

1. There's no evidence that the pregnancy was unwanted. Bristol Palin is a conservative white churchgoer. Like Mexicans, and unlike white liberals, these people love children. You can tell this by counting the number of children they have<. Which means, to take Vox Day's argument a step further, the sex ed vs. abstinence education debate is likely not applicable. No amount of putting condoms on banannas will keep a girl who wants a baby from doing the thing you do to, you know, get babies.

2. Sorry Steve Sailer posters, the kid is not illegitimate if Bristol and Levi get married. And if they do get married, she is not his "baby momma," she is his wife. Yes, Field Negro posters I know Fox News called Michelle Obama a "baby momma," but this means they are, as you well know, racist assholes and not people to emulate.

3. It's not a tragedy for either of them that they're probably being forced into getting married. Shotgun weddings are a tradition that should be brought back. Bristol Palin gets a handsome, athletic, masculine husband who is most likely a good shot. Levi Johnston gets to spend the rest of his life with a child, a decent looking wife with large breasts and well connected in-laws who can help him find a good job. Most young people who conceive a child out of wedlock should be so lucky.

As an aside, I'm probably the only person on earth who reads both The Field Negro and Steve Sailer regularly. If you're curious, I don't really agree with either of them about much, but they're both worth reading for the perspectives they provide. The only blogger on my daily reads that I'm regularly on the same page with is Asabagna, who has tragically stopped updating.

Sorry about that, tomorrow I'll be back to the mean spirited insults.

Putin and the Tiger

2008-09-01T13:42:00.000-07:00

Much like the South Ossetians, I'm sorely tempted to put up an "Our President, Vladimir Putin" billboard in the middle of town after hearing that he shot a tiger. Full video is here.

Seriously, this tiger tranquilizing Tartar tyrant should be our next president. I think this table sums things up nicely.

	Vladimir Putin	Barack Obama	John McCain
Shot a Tiger?	Yes	No	No
Democracy	Thinks it doesn't work	Proof it doesn't work	In Iraq yes, America no
Destruction of America	Supports	Reluctantly Supports	In the first 100 days
Understands Georgia conflict?	Yes	No	Hell No
Last name is a fart joke?	Yes	No	No

Is there a nice way to say "I'd rather sniff a turd than vote for your candidate?"

2008-09-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

If so, I'd like to know what it is. The election keeps coming up in conversations at work and I fear my responses are offending people.

Mom said that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, so I tried not responding. People get really uncomfortable when you stare at them for five minutes without saying a word. So I started saying the nicest thing I could think of. Results have not been positive.

"Senator Obama is good at basketball. I like basketball" doesn't work. I guess people (at least people in Seattle) think it's racist to suggest that a black man who is good at basketball is good at basketball.

On the other end of the spectrum, "I think it's nice that Senator McCain is old and will be dead soon" gets an even worse reaction.

Maybe I should switch jobs. Is there an industry where people don't vote?

Score One for the Liberals

2007-11-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

The Economist has a poll out showing that while almost half of Republicans surveyed consider fornication to be acceptable, more than 80% are opposed to gay marriage. I guess David Vitter is a good husband and Larry Craig is a bad one. Either that or 30% of Republicans are precisely the sort of two faced sanctimonious hypocrites that Daily Kos readers say they are.

My money is on the latter. Congrats, Kossacks.