Once upon a time I considered myself a conservative. I no longer do, mainly because I don’t know what the word means any more. I thought that a conservative was someone who stood for self-reliance, limited government, fiscal responsibility, foreign policy realism and had a deep and unwavering suspicion that people who claimed to be able to fix the problems that have bedeviled man for millennia were either charlatans, fools or both.
My eyes have been opened. While Bush the Lesser was president, conservatives supported none of these things. Now that the Republicans are out of power, they’re claiming them as core principles again. Lew Rockwell famously argued that the only thing conservatives stand for is “lying from noon into night.” I think it’s a fine piece of political rhetoric, but I don’t agree. I don’t think conservatives are lying. That would require them to have principles worth lying about. They don’t because a conservative is simply someone who hates liberals.
Close your eyes and imagine the dream world of the liberals. It’s a marvelous place. Married homosexuals in Toyota Prii (I insist that’s this is the correct plural of Prius) carpool with endangered species. The various peoples of the earth hold hands and sings songs about love and sharing and all wars consist of pillow fights. In the evening the sick and infirm are wheeled outside to bask in the free healthcare that drops from the sky and no one ever has to die. I call it Liberaltopia and I often visit there in my dreams.
Conservotopia is another matter. It is a bitter land where the air is laden with the scent of sulphur and the screams of the damned. Here is where the feminists, environmentalists and hipsters are slowly tortured for eternity. They confess their errors and beg for forgiveness, but none is to be had. There are no demons in this land—all the torture is conducted by faithful conservatives. This is virtue’s reward. When evening comes, they leave their work and gather at the one oasis of serenity and beauty in this desperate land. It is a hilltop palace with peaceful gardens and tasteful sculpture. Here they may rest from their labors and gather at the center to worship the only begotten Son of God: Ronald Reagan.
I am not cool with this.