The Husband Quiz

I created a simple, 10 question quiz to evaluate how good of a husband you are.

http://www.quizilla.com/quizzes/13720016/the-husband-test

The scoring is explained below, but you probably want to take the quiz first.

1. Your wife has been gaining weight and asks you "Does this dress make me look fat?" How do you respond?


• "I love you just the way you are."

This is both evasive and cowardly, but it's not the worst possbile response. 2 points.


• Ignore her.

This is evasive, but not cowardly. After all, this is the most infamous marital shit test in the English speaking world and your wife knows it as well as you do. You're not obligated to answer. 3 points.


• "It's not the clothes that make you look fat, it's the second helpings."

This is the best response. Sure she'll be angry and hurt, but it's honest and it clearly puts the responsibility for the weight gain on her shoulders, where it belongs. It's not at all loving to lie to your wife (particularly when she knows you're lying and she will). It's even less loving to allow her to persuade herself that her weight is something beyond her control--something women are very prone to do. It's your duty to steer your wife away from self destructive behavior. You'll probably get yelled at, but so what. You'll live. 5 points.


• "You look gorgeous, give me a kiss."

This isn't just the worst response listed, it's probably the worst possible response anyone has every given (and I know people who have done so). It's not merely cowardly and evasive, it's also desperate. Showing affection is not a favor, it's a duty. 1 point.


• "A little bit, yeah."

Honest and direct. Depending on the woman, this may actually be the best option. 4 points.




2. Your wife has been keeping herself in shape and asks "Does this dress make me look fat?" How do you respond?


• "Like Jabba the Hut in a peasant skirt."

I consider this the best option, but it is risky. If you know your wife has serious issues about her weight (despite being in shape) don't use it. That being said, your wife is asking you what she knows to be a famous gotcha question, she knows exactly what she looks like and she has way more confidence in her ability to judge women's fashion than in yours. Choosing this option means that she'll never ask again which is worth quite a lot.


The beautiful thing about this answer is that it's so completely over the top. If she gets mad, point out that she asked a loaded question, that she knows perfectly well she looks great and that she can't take a joke. All of these will be true. 5 points for not being risk averse.



• Roll your eyes and point out that you weren't born yesterday.

This was my answer and it served well. This is not a serious question when asked by a fit woman. 4 points.


• "Clothes don't make people look fat. That's what gluttony and sloth are for."

This is a perfectly fine answer for the previous question, but it doesn't work here. It's too likely to be taken as an insult and isn't over the top enough to be blown off. On the plus side, it does show that you're not a chicken. 3 points.


• "You look gorgeous, give me a kiss."

Never, ever ASK your wife to kiss you. Women hate it. Pickup artists recommend "would you like to kiss me?" instead. Every Cary Grant character ever recommends just grabbing her and planting one. Either works, but women love Cary Grant a lot more than they love Mystery. 1 point.


• Hug her and tell her that she's beautiful.

This is a little better, but she didn't ask the question to be reassured about her attractiveness. It was a shit test. Treat it like one. 2 points.




3. When women say "I want a man who isn't afraid to talk about his feelings," what do they really mean?


• They want a man who talks about his feelings.

No they don't. If they wanted that, they'd have said that. Women have female friends for this sort of thing. 2 points.


• They want a man who listens to them talk about their feelings.

Getting warmer, but if a woman is depressed talking about her depression makes her more depressed. This is why therapy is so lucrative--they keep needing the therapist more and more. 3 points.


• They want an unemployed musician with multiple tatoos who sings about his feelings for other women.

Yes indeed, this is what most American women want these days. Not the ones who are good marriage material, but I didn't specify that. 5 points.


• It's ok to cry on her shoulder when the weight of the world is too much to bear.

Unless you're joking around, you can't have a penis and select this answer. It's a scientific fact. 1 point.


• They want a man who isn't afraid to talk about his feelings, but would never do so in a million years.

This is what women who are good marriage material want: Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. 4 points.




4. Your wife tells you that she wants one of those horrible miniature dogs. What do you do?




• Change the subject.

A perfectly fine answer if not for the fact that if she really wants one, she'll change the subject right back. 3 points.


• Agree to buy her one and then keep putting it off in the hope that she'll forget.

Nothing says weak, disrespectful coward like this. 1 point.


• Refuse firmly and categorically.

A fine choice. Some things you simply can't compromise on. 4 points.


• She comes home from work to find a toy poodle with a bow on its head sitting on a handmade card saying how much you love her.

Your wife is sure to tell her new lover what a great husband you are. 2 points. It's weak and cowardly, but at least it's not disrespectful.


• "If you get one, I'll turn it into Korean food."

The best answer, unless you picked the Jabba the Hutt answer for the second question. You can make too many mean spirited jokes. 3 points if you did this, 5 otherwise.




5. Your wife tells you that you have to take the garbage out before she has sex with you. How do you respond?


• Punch her in the face.

You should never, ever hit your wife. That being said, there are actually two options here that are even worse for the long term health of your marriage. 3 points.


• Tell her you would take the garbage out, but you're not in the mood.

Being passive agressive is bad. Being passive agressive with a woman is even worse since she's going to be better at it and can nurse a grudge longer. 2 points.


• Go to the bar. Don't come back until closing time or you stop being angry, whichever comes last.

It's petulant and childish to do this, but you do have an excellent reason. Make sure to order quality drinks. 4 points.


• "Ok honey."

Why not just file for divorce? It's a foregone conclusion anyway if you pick this option and you'll at least keep some of your dignity. 1 point.


• By emulating Clark Gable in "Gone With the Wind."

The only acceptable answer. If you didn't pick it, rent the movie. Your wife will enjoy the movie and you'll learn something. 5 points.




6. Your wife is talking about something and you're not paying attention. Suddenly you hear her angry voice demanding to know "Are you listening to me?" What now, sport?


• "Of course not, you talk too much."

Mean without being funny, playful or helpful. 3 points.


• Rack your brain for the last thing she was talking about and say "Sure I was, you were talking about X."

It's dishonest and it won't work. She knows perfectly well you weren't listening even if you are capable of recalling what was said. 2 points.


• "Of course I was listening."

This tells your wife two things. That you are dishonest and that you think she's stupid. Now you're really in trouble. 1 point.


• "No. Were you saying something important?"

A fine answer. It will always work and usually she wasn't saying anything important, which helps disharge the anger. 4 points.


• "No, I was busy picturing you naked."

The perfect answer to use once. Don't use if too often though or disaster will ensue. 5 points.




7. Do you have a dangerous job (policeman, bouncer, drug dealer) or hobby (boxing, skydiving, hard drug use)?


• No.

Uh oh, you're boring. Marriages can die of boredom. 1 point.


• No, but I did before I got married.

At least you have good stories. 4 points.


• Does taking kung fu lessons count?

No, no it doesn't. 2 points.


• Yes.

Hooray, you are an international man of mystery. 5 points.


• I have both.

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Your wife may well snap from constant worry. 3 points.




8. Your wife gets mad at you when, as far as you can tell, you've done nothing wrong. How do you respond?


• I tell her to calm down.

She's not going to calm down for a while. At least you didn't validate her irrational rage. 2 points.


• I give her a non-apology apology like "I'm sorry you feel that way."

The Clinton special. It works wonders. 4 points.


• I apologize right away. I'm going to anyway, so I might as well get it over with.

Congratulations, you've just persuaded your wife that she was right to get mad over nothing. I hope you enjoy getting yelled at because it's going to happen a lot. 1 point.


• I invite her to sit down and talk about it.

Not the best option, but it's better than telling her to calm down. If she keeps yelling, make sure you don't backtrack to one of the lesser option. That will only make things worse. 3 points.


• I make fun of her.

The key word here is fun. It should be playful teasing. She's taking herself too seriously and needs help not doing that. 5 points.




9. Your wife gets an exciting job opportunity, but taking it involves moving across the country. How do you respond?
10. 
    
    • My wife doesn't work or doesn't work in a job where that would be an issue.
    
    The best answer. You're the provider, that means that you're supposed to do the providing. 5 points.
    
    
    • We move. I don't want to stand in the way of my wife's happiness.
    
    You've forgotten which one of you is the wife. Don't worry, the custody battle will remind you. 1 point.
    
    
    • We sit down and discuss the pros and cons before reaching a mutually satisfying decision.
    
    Unless you plan for the discussion to involve the phrase "if you don't start taking your job less seriously, you'll wind up childless, bitter and surrounded by cats" this is a bad idea. It's not a great idea even if you do. 3 points.
    
    
    • We probably move, we need the extra money.
    
    You're the provider, you're supposed to provide. 2 points.
    
    
    • We don't move.
    
    Of course you don't. 4 points to you, buddy.
    
    
    
    
11. Finish this sentence. If you are nervous about a situation at work, talking about it with your wife ________________.


• Makes you feel better.

Unless your definition of "talking about it" means "discussing a couple of possible solutions I'm considering," it won't. Give yourself five points if that is your definition. Otherwise 2 points.


• Creates a sense of openness in the marriage that will strengthen it in the long run.

It won't. 1 point.


• Wastes valuable time that could be spent thinking of ways to fix the problem.

This is true, but it's also selfish. 3 points.


• Makes her nervous too.

This is also true and not selfish, but incomplete. 4 points.


• Is a really strange thing to do.

Exactly. Unless your wife has both the relevant experience and the temperment to offer useful advice, it's an odd combination of impractical, conterproductive and against your male instincts. 5 points.